Meta-model is the tool that allows us to quickly determine how people think. Meta-model consists of 9 patterns. It is designed to drive us back to transformations that people use when building speech.
The question "Why?" makes you think out causes of your feelings that takes you to experiences different from the original. While your task is to trace the path back to the experience, which has created that surface structure.
1. Simple deletion.
This was terrible. What is “this”? Any deletion of the answer to questions: who, what, when, where.
2. Non-specific verbs.
All verbs are non-specific. It is all about the degree. Ask a question - how? You need specific behavioral information.
You have to understand that you do NOT know that map. You have to imagine yourself being a blank page.
3. Inverse reference.
This is the strongest information, casing great damage.
The world is against me. Turn it vice versa: who are YOU against in the world?
4. Extended reference.
Everybody knows this. Nobody does this. You can:
1) ask about giving a clear concrete example.
2) strengthen generalization: everything is everything? Nobody is nobody? Not a single person?
I prefer playing. And I think thus people learn very well.
My depression is killing me. Depression is not SHE, it is not a noun. A noun is a person, place or thing. A verb is an action. If you turn your concerns into nouns – you cannot change them any more, they become things. If you turn a process into a thing, it obtains power over you.
Depression, anxiety, prostration - such things do not exist. So you ask the person to turn verbs back into nouns.
But be careful: human beings are professionals, particularly when they are nominating. If a person identified one nominalization through another, you should be able to stick to the original question. For example:
- My depression is killing me.
- Tell me how you are going through your depression.
- Oh, it is nice you’ve asked about it. My depression ... I think it is caused by my concern...
- Aha, concern ... Tell me how you are going through your concern...
- Oh, my concern ... I think it comes from my deep fear...
Stop here! Your client starts to “fish”. One move - and you're on the hook. Do not deviate from the topic! Until you get the behavior:
- My depression is killing me.
- Tell me how you are going through your depression.
- My depression ... I think it is caused by my concern...
- No! Tell me how you are going through your depression, what do you do.
The purpose of nominalization is to change our complex processes. You stop them. Once you understand how it works - you start the process again. The final result of nominalization is DE-nominalization.
Words are tools. Language structures help you build your world. Turn words into your toys!
6. Modal operators.
1) I cannot - people say about borders. I would like to be happy, but I cannot - what prevents you from it? What's stopping you? When people answer this question, they find out what is outside their borders.
"I do not want" - it is choice.
"I cannot" - claims that this choice goes beyond possibilities.
Sometimes the client says - "I do not know." Here the favorite question of NLPers might help: "And what if you knew ..." Say anything. Then you can ask - "Is this true?"
2) I should not do this. - What would happen if you did it?
When you defy violations of Meta-model, you might get a new violation. You can follow them. Your challenge is to expand the borders to make the world of this person wider. The name of the game is "CHOICE". Once they give you an example, the border disappears. And you can move on to an increasing number of positive experiences.
7. Mind reading.
I know what you are thinking about. One person asserts that he knows what the other one thinks about. When you do not see the calibration, you cannot make judgments of the internal state of another person. Even if you see the calibration, you just make an assumption about what people feel. We constantly "read thoughts": You feel angry ... You are hurt ... You do not love me...
Virginia Satir once said to her client - "If my face looked the same as yours, I would feel this. Do you feel it?"
When you hear "thoughts reading", ask - How do you know this? What does this mean?
He makes me angry. How can one person make another angry? Where is the button to do this? I do something and he decides to turn angry. Cause-effect is not reality. This is choice.
9. Lost performative.
It is another transformation, causing particularly severe damage.
Any assertion should consist of three elements. Even if one lacks we cannot make judgments:
1) Who makes an assertion;
2) What is the standard of judgments;
3) who is to be judged.
People often teach others without telling them what the standard is. And you become "not well" enough. Then 2 things happen: 1) we are starting to believe it, and 2) we do it with ourselves: we begin to make negative judgments about us: Yes, I am not well at it.
Positive task of judgments is to help us learn. We use standards to become better. If the standard helps us, it is great. If the standard destroys us - dispose of it. We destroy our lives, using outdated or incorrect standards.
The question you need to ask: what is the standard you use to judge?
Transformational grammar exists for 20 years. What you say reflects the way you think. And the way you think reflects the way you live.
Meta-model in negotiations.
During negotiations, you can copy Meta-model violations of the person you talk to. I do not challenge these violations immediately. I want to continue the conversation, bringing these violations of meta-model to a situation of low-risk. Where I know that the people with whom I negotiate will take it properly. I let it happen separately. And then I bring it into conversation. And let them finish this. When we again face the same violation of Meta-model, I say - "Have not we discussed it 10 minutes ago?"
You can calculate everything: how many violations of meta-model there were when a person turned with his problem, and how many left after some time. These are specific changes indexes. This is measurable.
Question: "Do you feel better?" - does not give an answer. If the person likes you, he will say "yes" if he does not - he will say "no". When I ask a person a question, I want to see the subconscious reaction, I do not care about words I hear in reply.
Meta-model in business.
The purpose of meta-model is to find something missing. In business, people often hide something they do not want to talk about on purpose. In business, when you use meta-model it is important to be able to show passive positive calibration, rather than showing interest, especially “surgical” interest. A person should already have answers to 50% of your questions. And when a person answers on Meta-model questions, I give him very positive feedback. And do not ask the next question at once. I create a positive anchor. Meta-model is very strong, it was developed with a very specific purpose: to bring you to information missing.
Violating Meta-model is neither good nor bad. If it serves me good - I will do so. If not – I shall stop!
Learn to do so. Make this ability automatic. Use meta-model with your own internal dialogue. This is a terrific tool. Although sometimes it is worth to switch off :)
There are 4 types of relations:
Every interaction is selecting one of them. In a competitive market, you need to make friends, find partners. It is dangerous to play the game "win-lose". Sooner or later, one of the people from whom you have taken something away, you have trampled on, will become strong and will trample on you.
What does an effective communicator know? You lose if you do not create a "win-win" situation. Make sure that people succeed with you. If people succeed with you, they will communicate with you. Professional communicator is a person who creates the "win-win" situation. In my opinion, this is the basis of NLP.
I have business partners who live by "win-lose". I do not trust them. I try not to give them information they can use against me. But they have qualities I need. I continue relationships with these people, but I know that in a difficult situation they will fight only for themselves.
People "win-lose" meet people "lose-win". The perfect coincidence. But I do not accept this. I will bring to "win-win".
Years ago, I have decided to go to sleep each night being a person who likes himself :)
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